Amazing post, Anna. My mind is spinning after reading it. The fact that your ex tried to silence you when you divorced is very telling. You are so right when you say that, 'People often accuse women of trying to ruin men, but that is an almost impossible task.' I read Rebecca Humphries' memoir, in which she talks about her ex—and she's spoken about him elsewhere—and it doesn't seem to have affected his profile much at all. Are you able to say whether your memoir will be in a similar vein?
I enjoyed Baby Reindeer immensely but the ethics and legalities of it seem very confused. I Don't know how Richard Gadd got away with his characters bearing such close resemblance to real people. There seems to have been an 'Ask for forgiveness rather than permission' approach or 'Publish and be damned'. And yes, it's the woman who has come out of it the worst. The Piers Morgan interview seems exploitative and it's striking, as you say, how she doesn't seem to be able to be honest with herself. There were so many contradictions in what she said.
Rebecca's memoir is great isn't it? I really enjoyed it. I interviewed her last year at the Tunbridge Wells literary festival. In answer to your question, no, I'm not writing about him specifically, but similarly to Rebecca's ex it hasn't done his career any harm, if anything it helped!
The Piers Morgan interview was deeply uncomfortable viewing and yet utterly compelling, as someone who has had experience of pathological liars I do see that they can believe what they are saying themselves when they are saying it, and so, as I said, the jury is out. That whole thing is a mess and I'm curious to see how it plays out in the longer term.
I'm glad you enjoyed the piece, and thank you for sharing your comments, Anita. x
Oh so much here…the ‘known’ secrets within our establishment, the silencing of women’s voices since the dawn of time, the societal acceptance of what is normal…we may feel it’s not accepted but Trump still gets the vote and men in power largely continue. I’m horrified yet sadly unsurprised at your divorce request to never tell your story and applaud your resistance. Many agree just because they have no fight left in them, and it’s all just too tiring. I finished Baby Reindeer on Sunday and am mulling it all over - I will watch the Piers Morgan interview, even though I find him odious, but yes I’m sure the Netflix lawyers are on edge to say the least. Very interesting to consider how we would feel if the gender roles had been reversed. Sometimes I feel so relieved to live in the times I do, in the place I do; to have the freedoms I have and the voice to speak out, then at other times I feel our whole sisterhood is silenced and that nothing has really changed at all.
Yes, it's true, many are just so fatigued by the end of a marriage that they agree to whatever grounds someone wants, but for me it was a matter of principle. Everyone around me said 'just let him have it his way and get rid' but I couldn't. I'm glad I stuck to my guns...
Another thing I thought re Baby Reindeer is that, had a woman told that story and had she been accused of 'inventing details' or perhaps not being completely honest about the true story OR, as the case may be, telling parts of the story where there were no convictions, even the true parts would be rubbished by now. For example, if it were a woman, I'm sure people would be asking whether the TV writer did even exist? Yet I haven't seen any one doubting that in his case. They would be questioning why she went back again and again in the hope of advancing her career. They would be asking why she didn't report the rape to the police but the lesser offences of stalking. I'm not saying that we should be asking these questions about him, but what I am saying is that the treatment would have been entirely different.
YES, or if ‘he’ did exist, whether she’d invited it. And whether she’d actually consented, regardless of the fact we now know you can’t ’drink the tea’ if you’re unconscious. And then how by going back again there would be no sympathy or understanding, just shaming of her, and probably sympathy for the abuser - ‘well what was he supposed to think if you kept turning up on his doorstep?’. I mean…men have needs don’t they? (Few phrases anger me more). And she got what she wanted? And as for what she was wearing…We could go on…
Amazing post, Anna. My mind is spinning after reading it. The fact that your ex tried to silence you when you divorced is very telling. You are so right when you say that, 'People often accuse women of trying to ruin men, but that is an almost impossible task.' I read Rebecca Humphries' memoir, in which she talks about her ex—and she's spoken about him elsewhere—and it doesn't seem to have affected his profile much at all. Are you able to say whether your memoir will be in a similar vein?
I enjoyed Baby Reindeer immensely but the ethics and legalities of it seem very confused. I Don't know how Richard Gadd got away with his characters bearing such close resemblance to real people. There seems to have been an 'Ask for forgiveness rather than permission' approach or 'Publish and be damned'. And yes, it's the woman who has come out of it the worst. The Piers Morgan interview seems exploitative and it's striking, as you say, how she doesn't seem to be able to be honest with herself. There were so many contradictions in what she said.
Rebecca's memoir is great isn't it? I really enjoyed it. I interviewed her last year at the Tunbridge Wells literary festival. In answer to your question, no, I'm not writing about him specifically, but similarly to Rebecca's ex it hasn't done his career any harm, if anything it helped!
The Piers Morgan interview was deeply uncomfortable viewing and yet utterly compelling, as someone who has had experience of pathological liars I do see that they can believe what they are saying themselves when they are saying it, and so, as I said, the jury is out. That whole thing is a mess and I'm curious to see how it plays out in the longer term.
I'm glad you enjoyed the piece, and thank you for sharing your comments, Anita. x
Gahhhhhhhhh it all makes me so angry! Food for thought.
Oh so much here…the ‘known’ secrets within our establishment, the silencing of women’s voices since the dawn of time, the societal acceptance of what is normal…we may feel it’s not accepted but Trump still gets the vote and men in power largely continue. I’m horrified yet sadly unsurprised at your divorce request to never tell your story and applaud your resistance. Many agree just because they have no fight left in them, and it’s all just too tiring. I finished Baby Reindeer on Sunday and am mulling it all over - I will watch the Piers Morgan interview, even though I find him odious, but yes I’m sure the Netflix lawyers are on edge to say the least. Very interesting to consider how we would feel if the gender roles had been reversed. Sometimes I feel so relieved to live in the times I do, in the place I do; to have the freedoms I have and the voice to speak out, then at other times I feel our whole sisterhood is silenced and that nothing has really changed at all.
Yes, it's true, many are just so fatigued by the end of a marriage that they agree to whatever grounds someone wants, but for me it was a matter of principle. Everyone around me said 'just let him have it his way and get rid' but I couldn't. I'm glad I stuck to my guns...
Another thing I thought re Baby Reindeer is that, had a woman told that story and had she been accused of 'inventing details' or perhaps not being completely honest about the true story OR, as the case may be, telling parts of the story where there were no convictions, even the true parts would be rubbished by now. For example, if it were a woman, I'm sure people would be asking whether the TV writer did even exist? Yet I haven't seen any one doubting that in his case. They would be questioning why she went back again and again in the hope of advancing her career. They would be asking why she didn't report the rape to the police but the lesser offences of stalking. I'm not saying that we should be asking these questions about him, but what I am saying is that the treatment would have been entirely different.
YES, or if ‘he’ did exist, whether she’d invited it. And whether she’d actually consented, regardless of the fact we now know you can’t ’drink the tea’ if you’re unconscious. And then how by going back again there would be no sympathy or understanding, just shaming of her, and probably sympathy for the abuser - ‘well what was he supposed to think if you kept turning up on his doorstep?’. I mean…men have needs don’t they? (Few phrases anger me more). And she got what she wanted? And as for what she was wearing…We could go on…
Very interesting article Anna, thank you.