I didn't know it was Wendy's funeral today - I too live in the south of England and have no contacts up in the north. So it renewed my sadness over Wendy's death - I never met her but had read her blogs for some time and felt really deeply and strangely sad when I read her final blog.
Then I read your (current) blog - so very sad but understandable. Not just about being unable to go to such events but also with regard to your daughter. That must be very, very difficult to take.
I have no pearls of wisdom or consolation or even comfort but admire your honesty.
Hopefully there can be some sort of memorial for Wendy, maybe in Walkington.
I am sure Wendy would have understood- I followed her blogs - she was inspirational ❤️.
I love that she chose her moment to go - she was 100% authentic.
I also spent years alone - although unexpectedly got matched up with someone by my writing friends about 14 years ago. It is pleasant to have a companion. We both do our own things but also share things - like those journeys. I never thought I would find someone to quietly plod through life with 🤣. You just never know.
Ah this is so lovely Anna! I am in a LTR as you know but he often doesn't come to things with me. Sometimes because he looks after the kids instead and sometimes because....I don't know, he is just an anti-social git I guess! So I'm just telling you this to let you know that even if you had been in a relationship today, you may still have had to decide whether or not to go to the funeral alone. I so often think of Diana in front of the Taj Mahal. At the time, I didn't realise why that was such a powerful image. Now I get it! xx
Oh yes, as I wrote I know that people in long term relationships can feel deeply lonely, or alone. But even being a part of something takes the edge off that aloneness, even if it’s only to the outside world… if you know what I mean? X
I’m so sorry you weren’t able to go to the funeral, as I know how much you were planning to, and I’m not going to say I would have come with you, although I would have, but more just acknowledge that sense of aloneness. And I think our children growing up leaves a void too. I am so glad though that the dog walker gave you a hug!!! Sending love ❤️
A beautiful, poignant piece that I can really relate to. As you say, there are moments when you long for that additional support and love, but the truth was I did not experience that in my relationship(s), so maybe it is just wishful thinking. But most of the time I am truly content with my life, and busy, and have very good friends and people in it.
Thank you for sharing, Marina. Yes it sounds like we feel very similarly, and there is no point thinking that things would definitely be different if you were with someone as very often, as I explained in the piece and as you say, they are not.
So far in my life, I am exhausted with the types of relationships I have experienced. As a consequence of my last relationship – which was so mind bendingly disturbing – I have spent the last 4 years recuperating my peace of mind and physical health.
I don’t hate men. Some of them, I’m sure, are marvellous: my son is a wonderful man and someday I hope he will have a long and rewarding marriage.
Currently, my single status is far superior to the soul searing savagery of my last relationship. But this doesn’t mean I want to be alone. My problem is, I only ever seem to fall in love with men who are characters in books written by women. A male friend suggested that my current single lifestyle was down to my inability to choose a good man.
If I’m really honest with myself, I think there is a lot of truth in what he said.
When I was young, I felt unworthy because I was surviving in a hostile family environment, which was more about survival than building self-worth. I constantly thought: When I’m older, I will have more control over my life. Sadly, I’m beginning to understand my sense of self-worth was, insufficiently built, and then damaged in my childhood.
In the beginning I searched for a protector, and I was flattered by anyone who gave me the time of day. This didn’t work out at all well for me. I found a beautiful boy when I was 22. He was broken by addiction. I should have left as soon as I realised this, but my mind was skewed by love, and I was naïve enough to think I could fix him.
After this I searched for someone who could make me feel safe. I got married, during this relationship I did find a sanctuary in which I finished growing up. But still I was alone, unsupported, and dealing with a husband who regularly became obsessive about other women.
My last relationship was a strange one. I fell in love with a persona that was being projected by another person. The time they spent with me was limited, so they could tell me anything they liked, and in the beginning, I would believe it. Whenever I asked questions which drew too close to the truth, my partner would cause a rage filled argument and leave. Every time this happened, they’d say: It was the end, and they’d never come back. I’d sit in the aftermath, unable to think what it was I had done to spark such a row.
The other factor of being in love, is that it messes with your brain, inducing a brain blight which can lead you to make the most ridiculous decisions; all of which are contrary to your well-fare.
It now seems fantastical to think there might be a good loving man, who is compatible with me. Worse, if I think I’ve found him, I doubt my own judgment. Or I just assume he wouldn’t be interested in me.
Being alone allows me the peace of mind, not to worry about being taken advantage of, or rejected. Being alone allows me not to be hurt.
Mary Oliver asked: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life”?
What would I say? That I retreated into a singular sanctuary, boundaried by my peace of mind, and guarded by my fears.
Hi Cliona, thank you for writing this, I’m sure that a lot of people will understand exactly the kinds of experiences and feelings that you are describing here. I know I understand many of them. I do, however, think there is a difference between retreating for the need to tend our wounds, and retreating because we feel at peace and content in the world. I’m not sure which you think you are currently, perhaps we move between them. Thank you for sharing x
An honest piece, Anna, which I found powerful and compelling. Thank you so much for sharing it with us! I wonder if it's partly about you choosing your battles, which I do think we get better at as we get older. For what it's worth, I think I would have done the same, especially when you add the context of Wendy not having wanted a funeral, which we know can be complicated things, and it being a long drive away. Perhaps if it was local, you might have felt more able to go.
I read in a comment below that you think perhaps it's a menopause thing that is making you lose confidence. This could be true; I think it does strip away our defences somewhat. But I also think it's a temporary thing with the aim of breaking us down so as to remake us into something else in the future (I read somewhere that that's what they do to people training in dramatic arts at RADA).
For what it's worth also, my husband worries that I don't see enough people, and I know I have a tendency to become disappointed with people if I feel I'm being taken for granted. I'm not very good at balancing disappointments with the supposed overall benefits of so-called friends. I don't have any 'besties' and I don't belong to a circle of friends, although I do have acquaintances, not that I feel like I'm missing out. As an introvert, I get easily overwhelmed and need a long time to recover from the social side of life that we're often made to feel we must partake in. It's a lumpy subject that I could go on abpout but I'll stop before I go on too much! :)
That’s really interesting, Anita. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I love that idea that we’re being remade for the future, I think Sharon Blackie would agree with you there.
That’s interesting that your husband worries that you don’t see people enough, that was one of the reasons I got a dog, so I saw people day to day and chatted with them. But I think when we have these busy interior lives (which I know you have too) we don’t feel that same lack, or necessity. Funnily enough I more often hear from my female friends that they worry their husbands don’t socialise or see people enough. Maybe they are just content too?
I enjoyed reading this as a single parent but hated it just the same. We shouldn't feel alone and to reach far into absence is mildly depressive of us to withdraw into being comforted by our home shells. I've been struggling through a ghostly grip on classical clinical trials and tribulations, and winning. However, it has not been capable of moving on and grips me more. I'm forced to lamently live out what would be had I not succeeded. Disassociation is the usual remedy however, that didn't happen. It's the belief that culture's spirit attained my life and controls it, when it failed to do so, became quickly susceptible to personal growth in uncharted value. Then it compared. Envy grew. And now masculine grips of what was are blind of how it happened. The world is changing. Single mothers are valuable and possess world knowledge and perspective unlike ever before. And sharing! Anna I hope you continue to work through the funk. I'm alone, you would agree, and it is in victory, that I am still thriving in it. Keep working, you're going to reach halfway across the world and remind a Native American woman she can do it. You'll show her how. Thank you.
Thank you Sam, yes it’s interesting, isn’t it? I like the way you said both vulnerability AND power, because that’s how I feel too… power to know what will not deplete me, yet this menopause time making me feel less confident to face these things alone. I wonder if I’m meant to push through that and do them anyway, and yet I also feel the power is knowing myself better and knowing it will not serve me. The jury is kind of out for me… what do you think? I worry about losing confidence if I don’t push through.
I just can’t push through anymore Anna, my energy and resources have changed through menopause and into my second spring. My menopause mentor Alexandra Pope (Wild Power) always says, pushing through is non negotiable in menopause and post. For me…the power is trusting our own knowing and as you did…trusting your own wisdom. I think the confidence comes when we take a breath and really listen to ourselves x
I think previously I have been worried about letting other people down, and worried about how it might ‘look’. But yes I agree that we’re moving into a new age of confidence and knowing where our energy needs to be spent.
What an honest piece of writing Anna ❤️
I didn't know it was Wendy's funeral today - I too live in the south of England and have no contacts up in the north. So it renewed my sadness over Wendy's death - I never met her but had read her blogs for some time and felt really deeply and strangely sad when I read her final blog.
Then I read your (current) blog - so very sad but understandable. Not just about being unable to go to such events but also with regard to your daughter. That must be very, very difficult to take.
I have no pearls of wisdom or consolation or even comfort but admire your honesty.
Hopefully there can be some sort of memorial for Wendy, maybe in Walkington.
I wish you well..
Thank you, Ronnie. I know so many people will miss her blogs.
I WOULD HAVE COME WITH YOU! I really, really would have. I hope you know that.
🙏🏼❤️
I am sure Wendy would have understood- I followed her blogs - she was inspirational ❤️.
I love that she chose her moment to go - she was 100% authentic.
I also spent years alone - although unexpectedly got matched up with someone by my writing friends about 14 years ago. It is pleasant to have a companion. We both do our own things but also share things - like those journeys. I never thought I would find someone to quietly plod through life with 🤣. You just never know.
Thanks Sarah, yes I know Wendy would have understood ❤️… and yes, you never know, I’m pleased you found someone to ‘plod quietly through life’ with.
Ah this is so lovely Anna! I am in a LTR as you know but he often doesn't come to things with me. Sometimes because he looks after the kids instead and sometimes because....I don't know, he is just an anti-social git I guess! So I'm just telling you this to let you know that even if you had been in a relationship today, you may still have had to decide whether or not to go to the funeral alone. I so often think of Diana in front of the Taj Mahal. At the time, I didn't realise why that was such a powerful image. Now I get it! xx
Oh yes, as I wrote I know that people in long term relationships can feel deeply lonely, or alone. But even being a part of something takes the edge off that aloneness, even if it’s only to the outside world… if you know what I mean? X
I’m so sorry you weren’t able to go to the funeral, as I know how much you were planning to, and I’m not going to say I would have come with you, although I would have, but more just acknowledge that sense of aloneness. And I think our children growing up leaves a void too. I am so glad though that the dog walker gave you a hug!!! Sending love ❤️
A beautiful, poignant piece that I can really relate to. As you say, there are moments when you long for that additional support and love, but the truth was I did not experience that in my relationship(s), so maybe it is just wishful thinking. But most of the time I am truly content with my life, and busy, and have very good friends and people in it.
Thank you for sharing, Marina. Yes it sounds like we feel very similarly, and there is no point thinking that things would definitely be different if you were with someone as very often, as I explained in the piece and as you say, they are not.
Being lonely. Being alone.
So far in my life, I am exhausted with the types of relationships I have experienced. As a consequence of my last relationship – which was so mind bendingly disturbing – I have spent the last 4 years recuperating my peace of mind and physical health.
I don’t hate men. Some of them, I’m sure, are marvellous: my son is a wonderful man and someday I hope he will have a long and rewarding marriage.
Currently, my single status is far superior to the soul searing savagery of my last relationship. But this doesn’t mean I want to be alone. My problem is, I only ever seem to fall in love with men who are characters in books written by women. A male friend suggested that my current single lifestyle was down to my inability to choose a good man.
If I’m really honest with myself, I think there is a lot of truth in what he said.
When I was young, I felt unworthy because I was surviving in a hostile family environment, which was more about survival than building self-worth. I constantly thought: When I’m older, I will have more control over my life. Sadly, I’m beginning to understand my sense of self-worth was, insufficiently built, and then damaged in my childhood.
In the beginning I searched for a protector, and I was flattered by anyone who gave me the time of day. This didn’t work out at all well for me. I found a beautiful boy when I was 22. He was broken by addiction. I should have left as soon as I realised this, but my mind was skewed by love, and I was naïve enough to think I could fix him.
After this I searched for someone who could make me feel safe. I got married, during this relationship I did find a sanctuary in which I finished growing up. But still I was alone, unsupported, and dealing with a husband who regularly became obsessive about other women.
My last relationship was a strange one. I fell in love with a persona that was being projected by another person. The time they spent with me was limited, so they could tell me anything they liked, and in the beginning, I would believe it. Whenever I asked questions which drew too close to the truth, my partner would cause a rage filled argument and leave. Every time this happened, they’d say: It was the end, and they’d never come back. I’d sit in the aftermath, unable to think what it was I had done to spark such a row.
The other factor of being in love, is that it messes with your brain, inducing a brain blight which can lead you to make the most ridiculous decisions; all of which are contrary to your well-fare.
It now seems fantastical to think there might be a good loving man, who is compatible with me. Worse, if I think I’ve found him, I doubt my own judgment. Or I just assume he wouldn’t be interested in me.
Being alone allows me the peace of mind, not to worry about being taken advantage of, or rejected. Being alone allows me not to be hurt.
Mary Oliver asked: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life”?
What would I say? That I retreated into a singular sanctuary, boundaried by my peace of mind, and guarded by my fears.
Hi Cliona, thank you for writing this, I’m sure that a lot of people will understand exactly the kinds of experiences and feelings that you are describing here. I know I understand many of them. I do, however, think there is a difference between retreating for the need to tend our wounds, and retreating because we feel at peace and content in the world. I’m not sure which you think you are currently, perhaps we move between them. Thank you for sharing x
I expect this is because I don't really know. I think I'm coming out of the healing phase, and into my peace.
I hope so.
An honest piece, Anna, which I found powerful and compelling. Thank you so much for sharing it with us! I wonder if it's partly about you choosing your battles, which I do think we get better at as we get older. For what it's worth, I think I would have done the same, especially when you add the context of Wendy not having wanted a funeral, which we know can be complicated things, and it being a long drive away. Perhaps if it was local, you might have felt more able to go.
I read in a comment below that you think perhaps it's a menopause thing that is making you lose confidence. This could be true; I think it does strip away our defences somewhat. But I also think it's a temporary thing with the aim of breaking us down so as to remake us into something else in the future (I read somewhere that that's what they do to people training in dramatic arts at RADA).
For what it's worth also, my husband worries that I don't see enough people, and I know I have a tendency to become disappointed with people if I feel I'm being taken for granted. I'm not very good at balancing disappointments with the supposed overall benefits of so-called friends. I don't have any 'besties' and I don't belong to a circle of friends, although I do have acquaintances, not that I feel like I'm missing out. As an introvert, I get easily overwhelmed and need a long time to recover from the social side of life that we're often made to feel we must partake in. It's a lumpy subject that I could go on abpout but I'll stop before I go on too much! :)
That’s really interesting, Anita. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I love that idea that we’re being remade for the future, I think Sharon Blackie would agree with you there.
That’s interesting that your husband worries that you don’t see people enough, that was one of the reasons I got a dog, so I saw people day to day and chatted with them. But I think when we have these busy interior lives (which I know you have too) we don’t feel that same lack, or necessity. Funnily enough I more often hear from my female friends that they worry their husbands don’t socialise or see people enough. Maybe they are just content too?
I enjoyed reading this as a single parent but hated it just the same. We shouldn't feel alone and to reach far into absence is mildly depressive of us to withdraw into being comforted by our home shells. I've been struggling through a ghostly grip on classical clinical trials and tribulations, and winning. However, it has not been capable of moving on and grips me more. I'm forced to lamently live out what would be had I not succeeded. Disassociation is the usual remedy however, that didn't happen. It's the belief that culture's spirit attained my life and controls it, when it failed to do so, became quickly susceptible to personal growth in uncharted value. Then it compared. Envy grew. And now masculine grips of what was are blind of how it happened. The world is changing. Single mothers are valuable and possess world knowledge and perspective unlike ever before. And sharing! Anna I hope you continue to work through the funk. I'm alone, you would agree, and it is in victory, that I am still thriving in it. Keep working, you're going to reach halfway across the world and remind a Native American woman she can do it. You'll show her how. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing, Brooke. And I’m pleased my pieces continue to make you think.
Anna, a beautiful tender piece, there is a vulnerability and a power here that I relate to as I moved through menopause and out the other side ❤️
Thank you Sam, yes it’s interesting, isn’t it? I like the way you said both vulnerability AND power, because that’s how I feel too… power to know what will not deplete me, yet this menopause time making me feel less confident to face these things alone. I wonder if I’m meant to push through that and do them anyway, and yet I also feel the power is knowing myself better and knowing it will not serve me. The jury is kind of out for me… what do you think? I worry about losing confidence if I don’t push through.
I just can’t push through anymore Anna, my energy and resources have changed through menopause and into my second spring. My menopause mentor Alexandra Pope (Wild Power) always says, pushing through is non negotiable in menopause and post. For me…the power is trusting our own knowing and as you did…trusting your own wisdom. I think the confidence comes when we take a breath and really listen to ourselves x
I think previously I have been worried about letting other people down, and worried about how it might ‘look’. But yes I agree that we’re moving into a new age of confidence and knowing where our energy needs to be spent.
Isn’t it funny that we feel we can’t speak about loneliness, Jo? What a shame you deleted your piece, I hope you will resurrect it.
I’m pleased to hear that!