Anna - thank you!! This is wonderfully thought out and rationalised. I saw the comment on your other letter and instinctively replied that yes I think I do hold social responsibility as a writer… but no, you are so right. I am NOT responsible for my readers feelings. My book has some passages in that will evoke very strong feelings for readers, and when I met my commissioning editor yesterday he advised I take out the ‘humorous asides’ and distractions I had added in to give the reader a ‘break’. Actions of mine where I am almost apologetic for bringing them to a place of such intensity, where I felt responsible for pulling them back out. As he wisely said, it is not for me to judge whether a reader wants to stay in that moment or not, that I should stand behind the strength of those pieces of writing, and if the reader needs a break, that can close the book.
I am not responsible for my readers feelings. My new mantra.
I like your commissioning editor very much, and my attention is drawn to the fact that HE is a man. I wonder if a female commissioning editor might have left in those humorous asides to soften it? As women we’re so much more concerned about being liked than being honest. It’s a shame. I don’t want to be disliked — who does?! — but my desire to be honest with my reader is stronger than my desire to be liked, and so that’s how the scales fall for me.
I think women have to work harder to counter this need to be liked, particularly in the workplace. I do remember my agent commenting when she read a draft of my memoir, Sins of my Father, that so many female characters are self depreciating. There was a reason I was self depreciating in that book, in lots of ways that was the point of it - I had been squashed by the men in my life - but I was pleased I was in the hands of a woman who was aware of being wary of this stereotype.
Yes I totally agree. In my years of coaching this was also a perpetual theme from women, it is so ingrained. It's very interesting to examine how and why we present ourselves or those we write about in the way that we do. From what you say, that was exactly the point of it, to represent how we are societally constructed to be self deprecating. I remember when I used to do presentations around the world on topics such as cyber security and commercial spaceflight (random former life), all to very 'male' audiences. I would never be apologetic, I learned very quickly to 'stand behind' my words and messages. I would so often see women conducting presentations and say 'sorry', or laugh and make light of something that demonstrated their expertise and it would quietly break my heart. Setting the scene that we should be grateful to be there and to be listened to. It's time to stop apologising!! x
I find it so interesting that I am working with a man on this. It's a very female centred book, and I think I had assumed that if it were acquired it would be by a woman, but no it's a man, of a generation younger than me, who is not a parent. His own self awareness is apparent in his edits, especially when I write about things such as birth, but in some respects it is brilliant to have that reader perspective uninfluenced by personal feelings. I don't flinch away from honesty but can see I slightly fell into a trap of apologising for it which I am now stepping away from. The result is that I don't know if readers will 'like' me - I did question him 'will they still get to know 'me' without those asides??', but the point of the book isn't really for them to like or know me, but to feel visible and to know they are not alone. In some ways it's a change in perspective in how it is most powerfully received for the reader, rather than how I want it to be perceived.
I would argue even further, yes, we do have a social responsibility as writers, and that responsibility sometimes INCLUDES offending people. Society cannot advance without people taking offense.
It may be a little different for me; I'm a fantasy author, so nothing I'm writing is "facts". But for you as a non-fiction writer, like you said, you're writing down facts, and you can't control whether or not people take offense to facts. But I do know that the way you write the facts can influence people's opinions, through lots of skill (which I don't have, which is why I stick with fiction. 😅)
Keep writing without fear. If people take offense, that is their opportunity to learn and grow.
Thank you I love this perspective - it’s funny I wrote earlier how non-fiction means I don’t risk ‘misrepresenting’ a character or experience because I’m staying in the factual, and largely autobiographical, so I love how you find ‘safety’ in fiction! Keep writing without fear indeed. Thank you, my mantra for today ☺️
Anna - thank you!! This is wonderfully thought out and rationalised. I saw the comment on your other letter and instinctively replied that yes I think I do hold social responsibility as a writer… but no, you are so right. I am NOT responsible for my readers feelings. My book has some passages in that will evoke very strong feelings for readers, and when I met my commissioning editor yesterday he advised I take out the ‘humorous asides’ and distractions I had added in to give the reader a ‘break’. Actions of mine where I am almost apologetic for bringing them to a place of such intensity, where I felt responsible for pulling them back out. As he wisely said, it is not for me to judge whether a reader wants to stay in that moment or not, that I should stand behind the strength of those pieces of writing, and if the reader needs a break, that can close the book.
I am not responsible for my readers feelings. My new mantra.
🙏💕
I like your commissioning editor very much, and my attention is drawn to the fact that HE is a man. I wonder if a female commissioning editor might have left in those humorous asides to soften it? As women we’re so much more concerned about being liked than being honest. It’s a shame. I don’t want to be disliked — who does?! — but my desire to be honest with my reader is stronger than my desire to be liked, and so that’s how the scales fall for me.
I think women have to work harder to counter this need to be liked, particularly in the workplace. I do remember my agent commenting when she read a draft of my memoir, Sins of my Father, that so many female characters are self depreciating. There was a reason I was self depreciating in that book, in lots of ways that was the point of it - I had been squashed by the men in my life - but I was pleased I was in the hands of a woman who was aware of being wary of this stereotype.
Yes I totally agree. In my years of coaching this was also a perpetual theme from women, it is so ingrained. It's very interesting to examine how and why we present ourselves or those we write about in the way that we do. From what you say, that was exactly the point of it, to represent how we are societally constructed to be self deprecating. I remember when I used to do presentations around the world on topics such as cyber security and commercial spaceflight (random former life), all to very 'male' audiences. I would never be apologetic, I learned very quickly to 'stand behind' my words and messages. I would so often see women conducting presentations and say 'sorry', or laugh and make light of something that demonstrated their expertise and it would quietly break my heart. Setting the scene that we should be grateful to be there and to be listened to. It's time to stop apologising!! x
This feels like such an important process in finding voice, realising that what you want to say matters
Yes!!! Exactly that!!
I find it so interesting that I am working with a man on this. It's a very female centred book, and I think I had assumed that if it were acquired it would be by a woman, but no it's a man, of a generation younger than me, who is not a parent. His own self awareness is apparent in his edits, especially when I write about things such as birth, but in some respects it is brilliant to have that reader perspective uninfluenced by personal feelings. I don't flinch away from honesty but can see I slightly fell into a trap of apologising for it which I am now stepping away from. The result is that I don't know if readers will 'like' me - I did question him 'will they still get to know 'me' without those asides??', but the point of the book isn't really for them to like or know me, but to feel visible and to know they are not alone. In some ways it's a change in perspective in how it is most powerfully received for the reader, rather than how I want it to be perceived.
Yes if you want to be liked then find a friend, don’t write a book! 😆
🤣🤭
I would argue even further, yes, we do have a social responsibility as writers, and that responsibility sometimes INCLUDES offending people. Society cannot advance without people taking offense.
It may be a little different for me; I'm a fantasy author, so nothing I'm writing is "facts". But for you as a non-fiction writer, like you said, you're writing down facts, and you can't control whether or not people take offense to facts. But I do know that the way you write the facts can influence people's opinions, through lots of skill (which I don't have, which is why I stick with fiction. 😅)
Keep writing without fear. If people take offense, that is their opportunity to learn and grow.
I love this, Michael. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you I love this perspective - it’s funny I wrote earlier how non-fiction means I don’t risk ‘misrepresenting’ a character or experience because I’m staying in the factual, and largely autobiographical, so I love how you find ‘safety’ in fiction! Keep writing without fear indeed. Thank you, my mantra for today ☺️