Thank you Anna for your stunning reply, and for opening your heart and showing a bit of the wound. You are right of course that our daughters are our daughters because of all this, and there is nothing frightening about that. It’s that distance again that you spoke of. Standing back and seeing the planes and the horizon.
I was interested in the comments in reply to your letter on Wednesday. Many people wrestling with the ethics of writing their children, and so I wanted to switch things round a bit and ask what we give to our children as writers. I wonder if people will understand this point of view...
The part about children being destined to be in our lives as they are (single mum, etc) hit me. I’m not a single mom, but my kids’ childhood is different than I expected because their dad became diagnosed with chronic illness. I found a lot of solace in thinking that they are learning strengths from this time and not that we are “messing them up.”
I absolutely think that these testing times build resilience in our children, Katie. You are right. In fact I remember reading a piece in The New Yorker about what makes a child resilient and it certainly wasn’t wrapping them in cotton wool, but it was teaching them how to get up after a fall. I’m sorry to hear about their dad’s diagnosis, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Anna, wow. And gosh. It’s sort of impossible to imagine our girls to be any other personalities than the exact ones they are. I might be clutching at straws here - but maybe, just maybe - they’ve even been in receipt of some benefits for having mums as writers. I can see glimmers of possibility on this front. Perhaps we’ve always had something special to offer, even when the chips were down. I mean, obviously - I know the story behind your pregnancy and you know my thoughts on it inside out. But oh my God, the laugh I just had when I read your words, ‘I just think he liked the way it sounded.’ Anna, I laughed LOUDLY. I cannot think of anything truer to say because it sums every element of your ex up completely. Indeed, it just sounded kinda cool. What a tragic hypocrisy from someone who deep downs believes themselves to be the next messiah. Surface level stuff, yet so insightful. But I felt a little sad too; you talked about being lonely and I felt silly and naive. I never imagine you being lonely, just because you are you - but why wouldn’t you be? Loneliness is something that is on my mind a lot and I think about in different ways daily. I toil over which one I am from one hour to the next; ‘am I alone or am I lonely today?’ I’m yet to get to the bottom of it. I have always spent plenty of time alone so I don’t totally understand why in the here-and-now it’s suddenly caught up with me and I’ve made it ‘a thing’. But I have. I can punish myself for the feeling of being lonely, for hitting the grimy dating apps and seeking out male validation. I really get cross myself about not holding myself in higher esteem. But guess what I found out? You gain self-esteem by doing esteem-able things. But I’m still learning. Thank God that I am. Looking forward to next letters. x
Thank you Sally for your thoughts, as always. I love to hear them. I’m glad that that comment made you laugh, I actually stole it from someone who described Leonard Cohen that way, and you know what the best thing about that description is, it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. You cannot take things personally that way, it gives you some sense of distance. I like that. Of course I hear you re loneliness, you know why it’s so hard to write about or even accept, cos it’s hard to talk about without people feeling tomorrow for you. I would like to write about loneliness more, but I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I just want to talk about it as, like you, I feel it’s a subject that resonates with a lot of us -- and funnily enough, that in itself, makes us less lonely. Thank you for sharing xx
I love this take on the mother-as-writer, Anna. It's been helpful, actually, to consider this alternative truth; that out daughters are who they are because not in spite of our writing. Who might we all be had our life circumstances been different, somehow? I'm minded of chaos theory by these words, and the infinite other lives we might be leading, if it weren't for this one.
How important also that we are reminded why we write our lives. Yes, to make sense of our experiences but also in order that our honest appraisal of our situation gives our reader an opportunity to read themselves in our words. See their world somehow reflected.
I have just caught up on all your letters, I am moved and inspired. I struggle a lot when thinking about who my writing affects, even though they are my stories to tell if I wish...it’s not quite as simple as just my wish though, is it, they scratch from inside trying to claw through the skin to find a way out. Thankyou both for talking about how as mothers we carry so much weight about the impact both negative and positive our writing has on our children. My own experience of grooming and sexual assault had already impacted who I am as a mother, that choice was not mine to make, how I write about it is my choice though. I own the narrative to that. The difficulty I face, is how to write about it in a way that is sensitive, but doesn’t sugar coat the reality of its life long impact.
Thank you Anna for your stunning reply, and for opening your heart and showing a bit of the wound. You are right of course that our daughters are our daughters because of all this, and there is nothing frightening about that. It’s that distance again that you spoke of. Standing back and seeing the planes and the horizon.
I was interested in the comments in reply to your letter on Wednesday. Many people wrestling with the ethics of writing their children, and so I wanted to switch things round a bit and ask what we give to our children as writers. I wonder if people will understand this point of view...
I think it's really helpful, always, to step out of the usual narrative we tell ourselves. I have lots to dwell on for my response to you!
The part about children being destined to be in our lives as they are (single mum, etc) hit me. I’m not a single mom, but my kids’ childhood is different than I expected because their dad became diagnosed with chronic illness. I found a lot of solace in thinking that they are learning strengths from this time and not that we are “messing them up.”
I absolutely think that these testing times build resilience in our children, Katie. You are right. In fact I remember reading a piece in The New Yorker about what makes a child resilient and it certainly wasn’t wrapping them in cotton wool, but it was teaching them how to get up after a fall. I’m sorry to hear about their dad’s diagnosis, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Anna, wow. And gosh. It’s sort of impossible to imagine our girls to be any other personalities than the exact ones they are. I might be clutching at straws here - but maybe, just maybe - they’ve even been in receipt of some benefits for having mums as writers. I can see glimmers of possibility on this front. Perhaps we’ve always had something special to offer, even when the chips were down. I mean, obviously - I know the story behind your pregnancy and you know my thoughts on it inside out. But oh my God, the laugh I just had when I read your words, ‘I just think he liked the way it sounded.’ Anna, I laughed LOUDLY. I cannot think of anything truer to say because it sums every element of your ex up completely. Indeed, it just sounded kinda cool. What a tragic hypocrisy from someone who deep downs believes themselves to be the next messiah. Surface level stuff, yet so insightful. But I felt a little sad too; you talked about being lonely and I felt silly and naive. I never imagine you being lonely, just because you are you - but why wouldn’t you be? Loneliness is something that is on my mind a lot and I think about in different ways daily. I toil over which one I am from one hour to the next; ‘am I alone or am I lonely today?’ I’m yet to get to the bottom of it. I have always spent plenty of time alone so I don’t totally understand why in the here-and-now it’s suddenly caught up with me and I’ve made it ‘a thing’. But I have. I can punish myself for the feeling of being lonely, for hitting the grimy dating apps and seeking out male validation. I really get cross myself about not holding myself in higher esteem. But guess what I found out? You gain self-esteem by doing esteem-able things. But I’m still learning. Thank God that I am. Looking forward to next letters. x
Thank you Sally for your thoughts, as always. I love to hear them. I’m glad that that comment made you laugh, I actually stole it from someone who described Leonard Cohen that way, and you know what the best thing about that description is, it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. You cannot take things personally that way, it gives you some sense of distance. I like that. Of course I hear you re loneliness, you know why it’s so hard to write about or even accept, cos it’s hard to talk about without people feeling tomorrow for you. I would like to write about loneliness more, but I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I just want to talk about it as, like you, I feel it’s a subject that resonates with a lot of us -- and funnily enough, that in itself, makes us less lonely. Thank you for sharing xx
I mean to write feeling sorry... not sure why it came out as feeling tomorrow. 😬
That Jo Ann Beard quote is exactly it. What an insightful piece x
I love that quote too. Thank you for reading x
I love this take on the mother-as-writer, Anna. It's been helpful, actually, to consider this alternative truth; that out daughters are who they are because not in spite of our writing. Who might we all be had our life circumstances been different, somehow? I'm minded of chaos theory by these words, and the infinite other lives we might be leading, if it weren't for this one.
How important also that we are reminded why we write our lives. Yes, to make sense of our experiences but also in order that our honest appraisal of our situation gives our reader an opportunity to read themselves in our words. See their world somehow reflected.
So much yet to ponder. Thank you for this.
Thank you for those lovely thoughts, Lindsay. I’m glad that the letter resonated for you on many different levels x
So many levels, Anna!
I have just caught up on all your letters, I am moved and inspired. I struggle a lot when thinking about who my writing affects, even though they are my stories to tell if I wish...it’s not quite as simple as just my wish though, is it, they scratch from inside trying to claw through the skin to find a way out. Thankyou both for talking about how as mothers we carry so much weight about the impact both negative and positive our writing has on our children. My own experience of grooming and sexual assault had already impacted who I am as a mother, that choice was not mine to make, how I write about it is my choice though. I own the narrative to that. The difficulty I face, is how to write about it in a way that is sensitive, but doesn’t sugar coat the reality of its life long impact.