25 years ago, when I wasn't the woman of a certain age that I am now, I applied for a job in a company in rural England. In the interview, the boss, who was 20 years my senior, asked me what I'd do if a male colleague said I had a nice arse. Playing the game because I wanted the job, I said that I'd say thank you, and ask him to turn around so I could see his. (God how it makes me cringe now that I was so complicit in my own debasement). I got the job.
About a year into it, there were about ten of us sitting around the boardroom table one morning, waiting for the last people to turn up for a staff meeting. I was one of the few women in the room. I was wearing a dress with capped sleeves. One of my colleagues, my senior, pointed to the top of my arm and said, loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear, "That bit of skin there... It really makes me want to stick my cock in it." Even after all these years, writing the words makes me feel sick and humiliated. I didn't bother to tell my boss, who had, not long before, kissed me on the lips at a work function and said, when I looked at him, shocked, "I've always wanted to do that." He also said of my name, not long after I started working at the company, "Hm, Michelle Neeling... Is that a name or a sexual fantasy?"
Christ on a bike, I wish I'd called those bastards out on their gross behaviour then. But at the time, when I was already considered a weirdo feminist who annoyed people (men) with her big-city ways, I felt the need to keep my head down and keep my job.
Thank you for always calling the behaviour out, Anna, and for doing it publicly. It's been so helpful for me to read your words on the patterns of DARVO which, yes, I'm now seeing everywhere.
Omg Michelle, this is disgusting. The question is also why men think we want to know what they would like to do with their cocks, sadly that little appendage is so important to them that they think it’s important to us too. Urgh, so sorry you had to go through that. And thank you for sharing xx
Speaking as a so-called 'women of a certain age', too, I've found that as I get older I feel more able to speak out about this kind of behaviour; indeed, only recently did I have cause to challenge a man directly when they said inappropriate things to me in a coffee shop I go to in the town where I live. Guess what, he didn't like it, and I think he told his friends, so that I now have a bit of a reputation for being humourless and 'woke'. But I don't care about this because, although it does take energy, I feel better for it.
But what I don't get is why the men themselves don't just own their behaviour, and take responsibility for it. It's as if when they're challenged they go into into an automatic defence mode, perhaps out of fear. But if they said something like, "I'm really sorry; I thought it was funny at the time, and I now see that it wasn't because it made you feel unsafe. I now want to use this experience to learn from and hopefully become a better person"—other men might take notice and these situations may not occur quite so much in the first place.
Yes, it's strange isn't it? Why can't they just own it, especially as they're bold enough to say it in the first place. I do think men find criticism particularly hard, they've also been brought up with having certain behaviours excused, the old 'boys will be boys' mentality etc. But this hasn't served them as they're still making mistakes and being excused, and the only thing I can think is that this is being done to 'maintain' some kind of patriarchy which as I say in my piece makes everyone feel safe. But I really do not believe it is serving men to be infantalised like this, and ultimately on occasion like with Wallace they do find themselves suffering the consequences and they don't know how to do deal with that. I could feel sorry for them BUT I have to remind myself that they have actively chosen when and where to behave like this, so as much as they protest they do know it's wrong. Anyway, well done for standing up to that bloke, you never know, he might have gone away and reflected. We can only hope. Thanks for sharing, Anita.
I think men blame women for their own behavior because the patriarchy allows it. IMO, the Abrahamic religions encourage it - women hiding themselves from the male gaze with clothing and kept in their own sphere, rape isn’t a crime unless the woman cried for help (no mention if she was gagged or threatened with death if she told on her rapist), a raped woman/girl is “spoiled goods”, and on and on and on. “Boys will be boys”, “just banter”, “locker room talk”, etc. are the excuses used for not taking responsibility for their own words & actions.
All through history, women are blamed for men’s inability or refusal to control themselves. As a woman of a certain age, I am sick of it. And finally, men are being held accountable. Of course they don’t like it. At this point, this woman of a certain age has zero fucks to give about their feelings when consequences happen.
Speaking as a woman who is accused of being an “amphetamine medicated” something or other, I’m pretty exhausted even thinking of all this belittling claptrap
25 years ago, when I wasn't the woman of a certain age that I am now, I applied for a job in a company in rural England. In the interview, the boss, who was 20 years my senior, asked me what I'd do if a male colleague said I had a nice arse. Playing the game because I wanted the job, I said that I'd say thank you, and ask him to turn around so I could see his. (God how it makes me cringe now that I was so complicit in my own debasement). I got the job.
About a year into it, there were about ten of us sitting around the boardroom table one morning, waiting for the last people to turn up for a staff meeting. I was one of the few women in the room. I was wearing a dress with capped sleeves. One of my colleagues, my senior, pointed to the top of my arm and said, loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear, "That bit of skin there... It really makes me want to stick my cock in it." Even after all these years, writing the words makes me feel sick and humiliated. I didn't bother to tell my boss, who had, not long before, kissed me on the lips at a work function and said, when I looked at him, shocked, "I've always wanted to do that." He also said of my name, not long after I started working at the company, "Hm, Michelle Neeling... Is that a name or a sexual fantasy?"
Christ on a bike, I wish I'd called those bastards out on their gross behaviour then. But at the time, when I was already considered a weirdo feminist who annoyed people (men) with her big-city ways, I felt the need to keep my head down and keep my job.
Thank you for always calling the behaviour out, Anna, and for doing it publicly. It's been so helpful for me to read your words on the patterns of DARVO which, yes, I'm now seeing everywhere.
Omg Michelle, this is disgusting. The question is also why men think we want to know what they would like to do with their cocks, sadly that little appendage is so important to them that they think it’s important to us too. Urgh, so sorry you had to go through that. And thank you for sharing xx
Speaking as a so-called 'women of a certain age', too, I've found that as I get older I feel more able to speak out about this kind of behaviour; indeed, only recently did I have cause to challenge a man directly when they said inappropriate things to me in a coffee shop I go to in the town where I live. Guess what, he didn't like it, and I think he told his friends, so that I now have a bit of a reputation for being humourless and 'woke'. But I don't care about this because, although it does take energy, I feel better for it.
But what I don't get is why the men themselves don't just own their behaviour, and take responsibility for it. It's as if when they're challenged they go into into an automatic defence mode, perhaps out of fear. But if they said something like, "I'm really sorry; I thought it was funny at the time, and I now see that it wasn't because it made you feel unsafe. I now want to use this experience to learn from and hopefully become a better person"—other men might take notice and these situations may not occur quite so much in the first place.
Great piece Anna, as usual.
Yes, it's strange isn't it? Why can't they just own it, especially as they're bold enough to say it in the first place. I do think men find criticism particularly hard, they've also been brought up with having certain behaviours excused, the old 'boys will be boys' mentality etc. But this hasn't served them as they're still making mistakes and being excused, and the only thing I can think is that this is being done to 'maintain' some kind of patriarchy which as I say in my piece makes everyone feel safe. But I really do not believe it is serving men to be infantalised like this, and ultimately on occasion like with Wallace they do find themselves suffering the consequences and they don't know how to do deal with that. I could feel sorry for them BUT I have to remind myself that they have actively chosen when and where to behave like this, so as much as they protest they do know it's wrong. Anyway, well done for standing up to that bloke, you never know, he might have gone away and reflected. We can only hope. Thanks for sharing, Anita.
I think men blame women for their own behavior because the patriarchy allows it. IMO, the Abrahamic religions encourage it - women hiding themselves from the male gaze with clothing and kept in their own sphere, rape isn’t a crime unless the woman cried for help (no mention if she was gagged or threatened with death if she told on her rapist), a raped woman/girl is “spoiled goods”, and on and on and on. “Boys will be boys”, “just banter”, “locker room talk”, etc. are the excuses used for not taking responsibility for their own words & actions.
All through history, women are blamed for men’s inability or refusal to control themselves. As a woman of a certain age, I am sick of it. And finally, men are being held accountable. Of course they don’t like it. At this point, this woman of a certain age has zero fucks to give about their feelings when consequences happen.
Speaking as a woman who is accused of being an “amphetamine medicated” something or other, I’m pretty exhausted even thinking of all this belittling claptrap
Exhausting. We’re exhausted 🫠