Oh my goodness do I feel for this woman. Thank you, whoever you are for sharing this.
Yes you’re right it is his responsibility to stop the abuse more than you’re responsibility to expose it, especially when there’s potentially a lifelong smear of your name from haters.
It’s wild to me how women turn on women, especially when there’s men involved, like you said, exposing that their hero is an abuser.
Of course these men need to wake the F up to their own disgrace. But we cannot sit around and wait for that.
We can only learn to be embodied in our worth as women in relationships and not be starry eyed or pedestal men of fame.
Also, we are all learning not to doubt ourselves when something feels ‘off’ and not to be married to the identity that the relationship offers us, where we might feel ‘significance’ we hadn’t felt before, which I do believe originates in low self-worth - speaking from some level of my own experience of course.
Thank you Sarina, for your message to today’s guest author. There is progress, as you say we are learning to recognise the signs, but we also need to continue to recognise the powerful cliches used against women who speak out and vitally WHY they are used because there is a truth there that they want to hide. But I think we need to see that there is a wider movement to stop women speaking and we must never be a part of that, however ‘virtuous’ we believe that mission to be.
Yes, you’re right there absolutely is a wider movement to silence us, and it’s such a delicate thing when it’s our own story, feeling into what’s most serving the truth as well as other women, which, as we read here, can be at such potential threat to us personally, but only because we don’t have each other’s backs.
I imagine so many of the clichés would became obsolete if women held other women in solidarity, instead of otherness.
Yes, I think you are so right. Also, just women holding other women in terms of their right to say things, to speak, to disagree, the only thing I don’t think people should be allowed to do is incite others to violence, but an opinion, an ability to talk about your own life, or how you see it, that should be and must be a basic human right. And then isn’t it ironic that someone — a man — who DID incite people to violence is sitting in The White House while we’re all infighting about what women can say about their own experiences.
Thank you for sharing this powerful statement, a clear and illuminating explanation of the trap the writer finds herself in. From my limited experience of the legal system, I know it’s far more skewed in favour of those with financial resources than it should be
Absolutely Sasha, but also, as the writer explains, it’s also this idea of getting tangled up in litigation from a mental health point of view, right? Yes they have money to through at the problem, but the real issue is that it keeps you tethered to those men that harmed you. My ex is making illegal deductions to my maintenance at the moment and has been for the last 18 months, yet I don’t have the energy to take him back to court to get it and therefore be tangled up again with him in dispute. So he gets away with it.
Yes, that too. It’s draining in so many ways. I respect the choices of those who decide not to give their energy to these entanglements anymore. It’s nowhere near as serious but I have a situation in my life in which something I consider wrong and sad is happening, but to address it I would have to deal with a malicious person who caused my family a lot of distress and there would be lawyers involved, and I just can’t go there.
Yes, it is SUCH a personal decision to decide whether to speak out. I have had this exact conversation with the author of this piece many times. And sadly it comes down to what you can withstand, as she point out by the end of the piece. And only the individual can answer that.
This is an incredibly brave story by the author. One we should all learn from, looking back over my significant number of year, it takes bravery to fight back, which ever way you do it. It is naive of the rest of us to judge or think that naming is the answer in all cases, that others will take note, life and society generally can be too cruel. Nor should we judge anyone fir entering and allowing themselves to be consumed by these toxic individuals.
Yes it is more often than not men, but these attitudes, behaviours and non action need to be tackled by everyone, so I purposely refer to individuals. We need to ensure we ingrain into girls & boys from an early age that this is toxic, we need to call it out when we see it. Unfortunately with my black tinted spectacles I can see us going backwards.
Pathological liars such as him, and those he surrounds himself with, are cunning and unfortunately believable.
Thank you so much for providing a voice and an opportunity for the rest of us to read, digest and learn ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Jo for writing so thoughtfully. I think you’re right that we are going backwards at the moment and I see so many colluding in that, so many women too, happy to silence other women for disagreeing with the herd mentality. I don’t know whether they realise what they are contributing to, I don’t know if they realise that they are helping that massive patriarchal pendulum swing back the other way after all the good work and undoing of the #metoo movement. But that is how I see it.
I didn’t want to read and not stop to just say thank you to the author of this post. Although she hasn’t named her abuser, posts like this still do a hell of a lot of good in the world. I could tell from the writing that this is someone brave who cares about other women. That is enough. The rest is all on him.
It sounds so gruelling....this is the awful double bind, damned if you do damned if you dont.
Please guest writer remember the ONLY person responsible for the abuse of you and any other woman is the man. Not you. He is the abuser. I understand your guilt ...it breaks my heart your anguish. But you are not responsible. You have made a decision and it was is the right one for you in these circumstances. Love and a big hug to you
I think that this woman is brave and resilient despite what she believes. Because it takes a shit lot of bravery and resilience to leave an abuser. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you, Anita. I hope that, like a pressure cooker that’s been able to let off a little steam, she perhaps feels better for curating those words and seeing them validated here. But I guess when her main concern is that the man accountable does not face any consequences, I wonder how much comfort she can gain from doing this. Let’s hope some at least.
Oh my goodness do I feel for this woman. Thank you, whoever you are for sharing this.
Yes you’re right it is his responsibility to stop the abuse more than you’re responsibility to expose it, especially when there’s potentially a lifelong smear of your name from haters.
It’s wild to me how women turn on women, especially when there’s men involved, like you said, exposing that their hero is an abuser.
Of course these men need to wake the F up to their own disgrace. But we cannot sit around and wait for that.
We can only learn to be embodied in our worth as women in relationships and not be starry eyed or pedestal men of fame.
Also, we are all learning not to doubt ourselves when something feels ‘off’ and not to be married to the identity that the relationship offers us, where we might feel ‘significance’ we hadn’t felt before, which I do believe originates in low self-worth - speaking from some level of my own experience of course.
Thank you Sarina, for your message to today’s guest author. There is progress, as you say we are learning to recognise the signs, but we also need to continue to recognise the powerful cliches used against women who speak out and vitally WHY they are used because there is a truth there that they want to hide. But I think we need to see that there is a wider movement to stop women speaking and we must never be a part of that, however ‘virtuous’ we believe that mission to be.
Yes, you’re right there absolutely is a wider movement to silence us, and it’s such a delicate thing when it’s our own story, feeling into what’s most serving the truth as well as other women, which, as we read here, can be at such potential threat to us personally, but only because we don’t have each other’s backs.
I imagine so many of the clichés would became obsolete if women held other women in solidarity, instead of otherness.
Yes, I think you are so right. Also, just women holding other women in terms of their right to say things, to speak, to disagree, the only thing I don’t think people should be allowed to do is incite others to violence, but an opinion, an ability to talk about your own life, or how you see it, that should be and must be a basic human right. And then isn’t it ironic that someone — a man — who DID incite people to violence is sitting in The White House while we’re all infighting about what women can say about their own experiences.
Thank you for sharing this powerful statement, a clear and illuminating explanation of the trap the writer finds herself in. From my limited experience of the legal system, I know it’s far more skewed in favour of those with financial resources than it should be
Absolutely Sasha, but also, as the writer explains, it’s also this idea of getting tangled up in litigation from a mental health point of view, right? Yes they have money to through at the problem, but the real issue is that it keeps you tethered to those men that harmed you. My ex is making illegal deductions to my maintenance at the moment and has been for the last 18 months, yet I don’t have the energy to take him back to court to get it and therefore be tangled up again with him in dispute. So he gets away with it.
Yes, that too. It’s draining in so many ways. I respect the choices of those who decide not to give their energy to these entanglements anymore. It’s nowhere near as serious but I have a situation in my life in which something I consider wrong and sad is happening, but to address it I would have to deal with a malicious person who caused my family a lot of distress and there would be lawyers involved, and I just can’t go there.
Yes, it is SUCH a personal decision to decide whether to speak out. I have had this exact conversation with the author of this piece many times. And sadly it comes down to what you can withstand, as she point out by the end of the piece. And only the individual can answer that.
This is an incredibly brave story by the author. One we should all learn from, looking back over my significant number of year, it takes bravery to fight back, which ever way you do it. It is naive of the rest of us to judge or think that naming is the answer in all cases, that others will take note, life and society generally can be too cruel. Nor should we judge anyone fir entering and allowing themselves to be consumed by these toxic individuals.
Yes it is more often than not men, but these attitudes, behaviours and non action need to be tackled by everyone, so I purposely refer to individuals. We need to ensure we ingrain into girls & boys from an early age that this is toxic, we need to call it out when we see it. Unfortunately with my black tinted spectacles I can see us going backwards.
Pathological liars such as him, and those he surrounds himself with, are cunning and unfortunately believable.
Thank you so much for providing a voice and an opportunity for the rest of us to read, digest and learn ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Jo for writing so thoughtfully. I think you’re right that we are going backwards at the moment and I see so many colluding in that, so many women too, happy to silence other women for disagreeing with the herd mentality. I don’t know whether they realise what they are contributing to, I don’t know if they realise that they are helping that massive patriarchal pendulum swing back the other way after all the good work and undoing of the #metoo movement. But that is how I see it.
Wow. Thank you.
I saw today on the TV news scroll a shocking statistic about women’s suicides, related to men’s coercive control..
And in this new abusive world order, I fear for us all.
😔
Thank you for writing this.
❤️🙏🏼
I didn’t want to read and not stop to just say thank you to the author of this post. Although she hasn’t named her abuser, posts like this still do a hell of a lot of good in the world. I could tell from the writing that this is someone brave who cares about other women. That is enough. The rest is all on him.
Thank you for commenting, Nelly. I’m glad you feel posts like this do a lot of good in the world.
It sounds so gruelling....this is the awful double bind, damned if you do damned if you dont.
Please guest writer remember the ONLY person responsible for the abuse of you and any other woman is the man. Not you. He is the abuser. I understand your guilt ...it breaks my heart your anguish. But you are not responsible. You have made a decision and it was is the right one for you in these circumstances. Love and a big hug to you
I think that this woman is brave and resilient despite what she believes. Because it takes a shit lot of bravery and resilience to leave an abuser. Thank you for sharing your story.
Absolutely, Claire!
Thank you, Anita. I hope that, like a pressure cooker that’s been able to let off a little steam, she perhaps feels better for curating those words and seeing them validated here. But I guess when her main concern is that the man accountable does not face any consequences, I wonder how much comfort she can gain from doing this. Let’s hope some at least.