I’m looking forward to the chat on Friday. If it fits into the topic, I would be interested to hear how other women manage the demands from their families, particularly their children, in their efforts to speak out. I had written here on Substack for over a year when within a month, a series of phone calls came from those closest to me questioning and criticizing me for speaking openly about my narcissistic ex-husband. This “man”, despite being remarried for years, still exerts coercive control over me. I can’t seem to remedy stalking that has gone on for more than five years now.
I will always readily defer to the needs and concerns of my children yet I am deeply struggling with the isolation that results from re-silencing myself. Do I yield my right to live a peaceful life because I am a mother sensitive to the needs of children who I now understand were raised under the specter of narcissism as I was? I am lost in the swirl of understanding where my rights exist in the deep and wide caring for how my decisions affect my children’s comfort with knowing what their father did (and still does) to me.
In short, my heart and brain are breaking over this. I welcome insight and wisdom from other women along the shared path of healing and holding torches for others.
This is a really good point, Renée, and from experience all i can say is that it is a personal decision. I made me own choice to speak out because what i needed to say was too important to stay silent as it made a difference to the safety and wellbeing of other women. But my daughter didn't find that easy. And she was younger then than she is now. As she grows, although she experienced everything I wrote about, she may read it and that may hurt. I have to be prepared for that, and I will have to explain my motivations at that time. But as you know when you have been in a relationship where you had to suppress yourself, it is retraumatising to do it again. This in itself is a whole topic, right? I'm always here to discuss it.
Yes, it sure is. Thank you for sharing about your decision and how facing it over and over is just part of it. Your words help me feel less alone.
The motherhood version of choose-your-own-adventure tears at the heart much more than the books I read as a third grader. Given a choice, I’d choose it wholeheartedly again and again even in full knowledge of the trials it can bring. ❤️
Remember our kids are also the products of all the rights and wrongs we have instilled in them, so they get it, even if it’s not always comfortable — but that breeds resilience, right? Bad things happen, we show them how to get up again afterwards x
I am reading Febos now, discovered it through the lovely Lindsay Johnstone's Memoir in a Month course, and I love it. And now I feel like I need to read Nesting! Thank you Anna, your writing always strikes a cord.
Oh gosh, you and Suzanne what a magic combo, I can't wait!
Thanks Milli xx
I’m looking forward to the chat on Friday. If it fits into the topic, I would be interested to hear how other women manage the demands from their families, particularly their children, in their efforts to speak out. I had written here on Substack for over a year when within a month, a series of phone calls came from those closest to me questioning and criticizing me for speaking openly about my narcissistic ex-husband. This “man”, despite being remarried for years, still exerts coercive control over me. I can’t seem to remedy stalking that has gone on for more than five years now.
I will always readily defer to the needs and concerns of my children yet I am deeply struggling with the isolation that results from re-silencing myself. Do I yield my right to live a peaceful life because I am a mother sensitive to the needs of children who I now understand were raised under the specter of narcissism as I was? I am lost in the swirl of understanding where my rights exist in the deep and wide caring for how my decisions affect my children’s comfort with knowing what their father did (and still does) to me.
In short, my heart and brain are breaking over this. I welcome insight and wisdom from other women along the shared path of healing and holding torches for others.
This is a really good point, Renée, and from experience all i can say is that it is a personal decision. I made me own choice to speak out because what i needed to say was too important to stay silent as it made a difference to the safety and wellbeing of other women. But my daughter didn't find that easy. And she was younger then than she is now. As she grows, although she experienced everything I wrote about, she may read it and that may hurt. I have to be prepared for that, and I will have to explain my motivations at that time. But as you know when you have been in a relationship where you had to suppress yourself, it is retraumatising to do it again. This in itself is a whole topic, right? I'm always here to discuss it.
Yes, it sure is. Thank you for sharing about your decision and how facing it over and over is just part of it. Your words help me feel less alone.
The motherhood version of choose-your-own-adventure tears at the heart much more than the books I read as a third grader. Given a choice, I’d choose it wholeheartedly again and again even in full knowledge of the trials it can bring. ❤️
Remember our kids are also the products of all the rights and wrongs we have instilled in them, so they get it, even if it’s not always comfortable — but that breeds resilience, right? Bad things happen, we show them how to get up again afterwards x
Yes! Beautifully stated.
I am reading Febos now, discovered it through the lovely Lindsay Johnstone's Memoir in a Month course, and I love it. And now I feel like I need to read Nesting! Thank you Anna, your writing always strikes a cord.
Oh what a coincidence! And yes, let me know what you think of Nesting. I thought it was very well put together.
Love that Melissa Febos book x
I’m not far in but really enjoying it x
I'm a huge fan of all of Melissa Febos' work.